past posting

couldn't sleep, was looking at some older stuff. came across this and felt like reposting.

for the love of the game

In thinking about what my goals for this season were and talking to someone about them, a question came up.

"when are you going to be satisfied? it seems that all you care about is frisbee."

my first, knee-jerk reaction was to deny that all i cared about was frisbee. looking closer, it is tough to tell that i care about other things and i started really thinking about what i care about.

i spend at least 4 days a week in the gym. i supplement workouts outside of the gym for 2 other days and usually take one day off a week.

i think about the sport constantly. how to become better at it, how i should be training, coaching techniques, etc...

whenever possible, i am searching through pictures of tournaments i haven't been to with people i don't know, just looking at people playing. i watch videos and read books.

but is it for frisbee? will i be satisfied if i win a title, if i become recognized as a great player?

the answer to both those questions is no.

first, i will never be satisfied. what is their to be satisfied with? if you win one title, why not get another? if you are a great player, why not be the best ever? those questions are easy to answer.

but. is it for frisbee that i sweat and puke, push myself and strain personal relationships?

no. it's not. it's because i want to be a great athlete, frisbee happens to be my sport, the sport that i want to be a great athlete at.

i look at myself in the mirror every morning and want my body to look better. i look at how much weight i lift and want to lift more. i look at each route i climb and want to climb harder ones. i look at how fast i can run a 200 and want to run faster.

i am one of the most competitive people i have ever met. i want to be better than you, than anyone, at anything i do. the past 3 years, something finally clicked and made me realize that in order to be good, and then become great, you have to work your ass off. in the past, i had been able to get by at the things i did and stay competitive.

people have come and spoken to me and say they are impressed with my work ethic and how much time i spend training. i look at how much i workout and don't see anything impressive. i think i can be doing more, i wish i could push myself harder.

the real question is "why?". why do i want to be a great athlete?

supplemental answers help to figure out the real solution. there is nothing like running faster than someone to chase down a disc. breaking the mark is a great feeling. but i think it stems from wanting to be better than you. sometimes, that makes team sports difficult. i want to be better than everyone, not just the other team. sometimes it causes me to look at my teammates and see them as the enemy. something i certainly need to work on, but also helps in practice.

i don't want to be satisfied. i want to be better. there is nothing to be said for the person who relishes their accomplishments when someone else is doing better, working harder. everyday i picture that person who is working harder than me and i know i need to be better, push through and overtake them.

it's not for frisbee, it's for me. it's so i can show myself that i can take the pain, i can take more pain than anyone else.

if you don't believe me, train harder than me.